I’m going to pause for a moment in my current flow of blog posts, and offer you a look into the heart and life of a real man. I’ve discussed many things that are relevant and important for men to know, but haven’t offered up any examples. The first and foremost example, which this man kept his eyes upon his whole life, is Jesus Christ. Don’t let media and culture fool you into thinking that Jesus was a wuss – He was God and man, perfect in both. Jesus Christ was meek and mild, but the Bible paints a picture of the Warrior King who will come again to subdue the earth – Jesus was everything that we should seek to be as men.
That being said, the man I am going to tell you about is a man I knew well; he was my grandfather. Born in 1927, shortly before the Great Depression, he learned how to be a good steward of what he had. I never knew him to be wasteful, and never once saw him take what he had for granted. He grew up on a farm, knowing the value of hard work.
At the seemingly young age of 18, he married my grandmother. Hearing them talk about life, even after WWII had ended, they were never rich in material possessions, but knew that their treasure would be stored up in heaven. As they settled down and began a family, my grandfather filled the role of “Man of the house”. My grandfather never stopped showing his wife love as long as he was able; he helped show me what it meant to love your wife as Christ loved the church.
My grandfather was the father of five children; four girls and a boy. One of the greatest gifts he and my grandmother gave was the heritage of their faith; all five of their children, and the majority of their grandchildren, and even their great-grandchildren trust in Jesus Christ as their savior. Men, as you begin to build your family, meditate upon the blessings of a family that trusts in Christ. If you were raised in a Covenant household and were taught Christ from a young age, you know what a blessing it is. If you weren’t, listen to others talk about that blessing, and seek that blessing for your children. A man not only leads his family practically, he leads them spiritually towards Christ. If you do nothing else; do that- show your children Christ in your actions, in your words, and in your life.
My grandfather made his living as a builder. Many of the homes in our community were built by him, and many more were renovated or worked on by him. His handiwork, although without a signature, was established by God (Ps. 90:17). He loved to help people, and always took time to love them; to speak with them, to relate to them, and to show that he valued them. Many times, as a young boy, I would help him on his farm, and whenever someone came by, he would pause whatever he was doing and chat with them. I always found it fascinating that a man who did so much work would make so much time for other people in his life. He took joy in his work, and although he had retired from building by the time I was spending time with him, he and I (along with many of his other grandsons) did many projects around his farm.
Although primarily a builder, my grandfather had the heart of a farmer. For those of you who know farmers, you know they are a special type of person. My grandfather had a great and vivid love for God’s creation around him – from the trees in his orchard, to the sheep he lovingly cared for, he always found joy in God’s creation.
My grandfather was a man of faith, but was never a scholar. I never had deep theological conversations with him, and saw him working more than I saw him reading. Yet his faith was simple and profound; from his life I never once questioned that he was a child of God. Again, looking at the legacy he left – 5 God-fearing children, fifteen grandchildren (one of whom helped to build a global missions organization), and 15 great-grandchildren whose lives are beginning to unfold – there is no doubt that my grandfather knew Christ.
In the past several years, after my grandmother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, my grandfather spent more and more time caring for her, giving of himself for her, until he could no longer physically care for her on his own. Even after help was hired, he continued to concern himself with her comfort and care day and night.
Nine months ago, my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and congestive heart failure. After much consideration, it was decided that he should be moved into the local nursing home. This wasn’t an easy decision for anyone, but my grandfather especially felt the distance between him and his wife, and felt the difference in not being out and about in the midst of God’s creation. As the disease progressed, he became less and less of the man I knew and more and more of a shell of that man – a terribly hard thing to see. Even then, though – he would often want to pray with a retired pastor that ministered often to him.
Last week my grandfather passed away, survived by his wife and children. He now stands at the feet of his Father in heaven, perfected and living in glory. Today we celebrated his life, laid his body in the ground, and remembered the Savior, Jesus Christ, in whom he trusted.
I could go on for pages and pages about my grandfather – memories, thoughts, and questions – but instead, I’ll ask you: who are the pillars of strength who have shown you what it means to me a man for God? Please, take time to get to know them – learn from them, encourage them. Above all, though, spend much time getting to know Christ- the only perfect role model. Spending time with Christ will make you more of a man than Rambo, John Wayne, or Clint Eastwood. It will do more to make you a man than lifting weights, hunting, or any other activity that the world would have you believe “Real Men” focus on. Keep your eyes on the prize, for He will NEVER cease to love you. He will not leave the work He has begun in you unfinished – He will continue to sanctify and shape you into the man He wants you to be.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
What to Look for in a Wife
In the past two posts, I covered what marriage is, biblically speaking, and some of what it means to be ready for marriage. Now, what to look for in a wife.
Movies, books, and even friends tell us many different things about what to look for in a wife. Some people say to find someone who you have fun with. Others tell you to find that "spark" that will start a flame. The advice is varied, and, often as not, unhelpful.
What does Scripture have to say about the qualities of a wife? The default passage here is Proverbs 31; most of you have probably read or studied this passage before, and so I will summarize some of the qualities: Trustworthy (v. 11), Helpful (v. 12), Diligent (v. 13-15), Strong (v. 17-18), Compassionate (v. 20), Wise (v. 26), Kind (v. 26), Fears God (v. 30). This is a partial list; but finding a woman with even just these qualities may seem a tall order. I would encourage you in two ways. First, if you look, you'd be surprised at how many Godly young women like this there are. Second, many young women won't exemplify all these qualities perfectly before they are married. That is because, as we men are, they are affected by sin. Marriage is also a sanctifying process, that helps to grow these qualities.
Another thing to meditate on is Ephesians 5:22-33, the passage that relates the husband and wife to Christ and the Church. Many men focus on how to be more Christ-like, and that is all they get out of the passage. Although tremendously important, I would encourage you to also think about how the Church is supposed to act, and look for a wife with that in mind.
Also in that passage, Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands. That should not be interpreted by the current culture's definition of submission - that to submit means to acknowledge superiority. To submit means to respect and to allow the husband to take the lead. Men, hear me when I say this - don't expect your wife to do what you say because you say so. Expect your wife to submit to you because you submit to Christ, and follow Him. Look for a wife that wants to submit to Christ more than you.
Now, there are many general qualities and things we've covered so far. If we were to stop here, one might go away thinking that as long as the woman has these things, they should be pursued in marriage. Not so; there are other things to be covered.
Personality matters, too. Do you have the same sense of humor? Do you enjoy the same music, movies, and books? Do you share passions and interests? If marriage is a unifying relationship, than you ought to consider all the ways you will be unified in marriage. It doesn't just mean you'll be married while at church, or while you're with the in-laws; you're married (read "unified") all the time. You can't create boundaries in music, discussion topics, or any other arena that will divide you and your wife. So, when looking for a wife, look for a young woman who, after getting to know her better (we'll cover that in "the process"- next post) you both believe that you have a basis for unity. She doesn't have to be (and won't be) perfect, and you won't be either. The question remains, is there enough in common for unity? For more on this, read Chapter 11 of Gary Chapman's, "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition".
The one area you've probably already considered is whether or not you find her attractive, physically. Society uses many terms for this, the most common among young men being "Hot". Some Christians, however, feel that because the World wants it, they must reject it - completely. They disregard all physically attraction (or lack thereof), and focus on everything else. The fact of the matter is, in marriage, you are marrying the whole person - from emotions to personality, to their body. True, the Bible reminds us that beauty is fleeting, but it is nevertheless part of your wife. The whole book of Song of Solomon is a bridegroom telling his bride how beautiful she is. Physical attraction is important - not the most important, but you will be waking up to her face for the rest of your life; keep that in mind.
To sum up what to look for in a wife: Find a woman who fears God above all else, who you truly enjoy, who you find beautiful, and then seek God's will. If you're interested in such a woman, you might be ready for the next step.
Movies, books, and even friends tell us many different things about what to look for in a wife. Some people say to find someone who you have fun with. Others tell you to find that "spark" that will start a flame. The advice is varied, and, often as not, unhelpful.
What does Scripture have to say about the qualities of a wife? The default passage here is Proverbs 31; most of you have probably read or studied this passage before, and so I will summarize some of the qualities: Trustworthy (v. 11), Helpful (v. 12), Diligent (v. 13-15), Strong (v. 17-18), Compassionate (v. 20), Wise (v. 26), Kind (v. 26), Fears God (v. 30). This is a partial list; but finding a woman with even just these qualities may seem a tall order. I would encourage you in two ways. First, if you look, you'd be surprised at how many Godly young women like this there are. Second, many young women won't exemplify all these qualities perfectly before they are married. That is because, as we men are, they are affected by sin. Marriage is also a sanctifying process, that helps to grow these qualities.
Another thing to meditate on is Ephesians 5:22-33, the passage that relates the husband and wife to Christ and the Church. Many men focus on how to be more Christ-like, and that is all they get out of the passage. Although tremendously important, I would encourage you to also think about how the Church is supposed to act, and look for a wife with that in mind.
Also in that passage, Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands. That should not be interpreted by the current culture's definition of submission - that to submit means to acknowledge superiority. To submit means to respect and to allow the husband to take the lead. Men, hear me when I say this - don't expect your wife to do what you say because you say so. Expect your wife to submit to you because you submit to Christ, and follow Him. Look for a wife that wants to submit to Christ more than you.
Now, there are many general qualities and things we've covered so far. If we were to stop here, one might go away thinking that as long as the woman has these things, they should be pursued in marriage. Not so; there are other things to be covered.
Personality matters, too. Do you have the same sense of humor? Do you enjoy the same music, movies, and books? Do you share passions and interests? If marriage is a unifying relationship, than you ought to consider all the ways you will be unified in marriage. It doesn't just mean you'll be married while at church, or while you're with the in-laws; you're married (read "unified") all the time. You can't create boundaries in music, discussion topics, or any other arena that will divide you and your wife. So, when looking for a wife, look for a young woman who, after getting to know her better (we'll cover that in "the process"- next post) you both believe that you have a basis for unity. She doesn't have to be (and won't be) perfect, and you won't be either. The question remains, is there enough in common for unity? For more on this, read Chapter 11 of Gary Chapman's, "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition".
The one area you've probably already considered is whether or not you find her attractive, physically. Society uses many terms for this, the most common among young men being "Hot". Some Christians, however, feel that because the World wants it, they must reject it - completely. They disregard all physically attraction (or lack thereof), and focus on everything else. The fact of the matter is, in marriage, you are marrying the whole person - from emotions to personality, to their body. True, the Bible reminds us that beauty is fleeting, but it is nevertheless part of your wife. The whole book of Song of Solomon is a bridegroom telling his bride how beautiful she is. Physical attraction is important - not the most important, but you will be waking up to her face for the rest of your life; keep that in mind.
To sum up what to look for in a wife: Find a woman who fears God above all else, who you truly enjoy, who you find beautiful, and then seek God's will. If you're interested in such a woman, you might be ready for the next step.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Get Ready for This...
In my last post, I discussed what marriage was, and a bit of why it was a good thing to seek. I promised readers that my next post would be on what to look for in a wife. Although I’m not one to consciously break promises, this one I will postpone. Instead, this post I’m going to focus on what comes even before deciding what to look for in a wife. This time, we’ll talk about being ready for a relationship, and eventually marriage.
There are many schools of thought regarding readiness, so keep that in mind. I will set forth my ideas on readiness, which are an amalgamation of others. There are a few basics, and some options, so take with a grain of salt.
The first, foremost, and required part of being ready for a relationship that leads towards marriage is a complete and total dedication to Christ and His will. Marriage is wonderful, and is to be desired, but as soon as that becomes our life’s goal, it becomes an idol, and sinful. As a very wise woman once told me, “Run straight to Christ. Then, look around, and see who is running next to you.” If you are dedicated to Christ, you’ll already be gaining many of the other parts of readiness, while still glorifying Christ. This is essential, and I cannot stress it enough – as soon as you take your eyes off the prize (Christ), you will start sinking like Peter did on the water. A complete and total dedication to HIS will, and not YOURS will lead you to a beautiful marriage.
Some of the other things that seeking Christ will bring are wisdom, patience, and Christlikeness – all essentials! The Bible says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church – so, become like Christ!
Now, the rest of this post will be primarily the practical side of things. This is, to some degree, tougher, in that it is different for each person. There is no checklist to see if you are ready. What I prescribe is the following contemplations and practices, though.
When could you get married? Will it be five years? Ten? Realize the difficulty of long-term relationships. They are not impossible, as I have known several Godly couples who dated for years and years before getting married, and did fine. The issue is, can you do fine? If you were to enter into a relationship today, could you stay pure and focused on Christ until you were married? If not, then you aren’t ready. Be honest with yourself. Many people skip this part – “I want to be in a relationship, therefore I am ready” is a fallacy in logic. Most people aren’t ready for more than a year or two of serious dating before marriage. And that’s okay – dating is a means to an end (marriage), not the end itself!
Do the wise and Godly counsel that God has put around you (parents, elders, mature friends) think you are ready? Many of these people will have insight into what it takes to make a relationship work, and will know you well enough to see whether or not you are ready. They can, on occasion, be wrong, but make sure you listen to them and prayerfully consider their advice.
Many people, especially fathers, will place great importance on whether or not the guy can provide for his daughter. This is important, as money places a lot of stress on a marriage, and if you dismiss it now, you will face the music later. You don’t have to be rich – just think about whether you could provide for you AND a wife in the near future. Remember that God will provide all you need, from day to day – so if you are seeking His will, and making His desires your desires, then He will provide.
One last question, gents – are you ready to seek a relationship intentionally? Are you going to be mindful of what you say and do, as to guard your heart, and more importantly, hers? Are you going to treat her with as much care and propriety as you would your wife? As the wife of your best friend? You may not ending marrying the first, second, or third young woman you date, but realize that someone else might – and you ought to treat her with SUCH great care! Some of the best advice I can give is to protect her from yourself; don’t ask her to let her guard down for you, or put her in compromising situations. If you aren’t able to do that – then you aren’t ready.
There is MUCH more to cover, but I’ll end it here for now. If you have other sub-topics you’d like to discuss – comment!
-The GentleDoofus
There are many schools of thought regarding readiness, so keep that in mind. I will set forth my ideas on readiness, which are an amalgamation of others. There are a few basics, and some options, so take with a grain of salt.
The first, foremost, and required part of being ready for a relationship that leads towards marriage is a complete and total dedication to Christ and His will. Marriage is wonderful, and is to be desired, but as soon as that becomes our life’s goal, it becomes an idol, and sinful. As a very wise woman once told me, “Run straight to Christ. Then, look around, and see who is running next to you.” If you are dedicated to Christ, you’ll already be gaining many of the other parts of readiness, while still glorifying Christ. This is essential, and I cannot stress it enough – as soon as you take your eyes off the prize (Christ), you will start sinking like Peter did on the water. A complete and total dedication to HIS will, and not YOURS will lead you to a beautiful marriage.
Some of the other things that seeking Christ will bring are wisdom, patience, and Christlikeness – all essentials! The Bible says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the Church – so, become like Christ!
Now, the rest of this post will be primarily the practical side of things. This is, to some degree, tougher, in that it is different for each person. There is no checklist to see if you are ready. What I prescribe is the following contemplations and practices, though.
When could you get married? Will it be five years? Ten? Realize the difficulty of long-term relationships. They are not impossible, as I have known several Godly couples who dated for years and years before getting married, and did fine. The issue is, can you do fine? If you were to enter into a relationship today, could you stay pure and focused on Christ until you were married? If not, then you aren’t ready. Be honest with yourself. Many people skip this part – “I want to be in a relationship, therefore I am ready” is a fallacy in logic. Most people aren’t ready for more than a year or two of serious dating before marriage. And that’s okay – dating is a means to an end (marriage), not the end itself!
Do the wise and Godly counsel that God has put around you (parents, elders, mature friends) think you are ready? Many of these people will have insight into what it takes to make a relationship work, and will know you well enough to see whether or not you are ready. They can, on occasion, be wrong, but make sure you listen to them and prayerfully consider their advice.
Many people, especially fathers, will place great importance on whether or not the guy can provide for his daughter. This is important, as money places a lot of stress on a marriage, and if you dismiss it now, you will face the music later. You don’t have to be rich – just think about whether you could provide for you AND a wife in the near future. Remember that God will provide all you need, from day to day – so if you are seeking His will, and making His desires your desires, then He will provide.
One last question, gents – are you ready to seek a relationship intentionally? Are you going to be mindful of what you say and do, as to guard your heart, and more importantly, hers? Are you going to treat her with as much care and propriety as you would your wife? As the wife of your best friend? You may not ending marrying the first, second, or third young woman you date, but realize that someone else might – and you ought to treat her with SUCH great care! Some of the best advice I can give is to protect her from yourself; don’t ask her to let her guard down for you, or put her in compromising situations. If you aren’t able to do that – then you aren’t ready.
There is MUCH more to cover, but I’ll end it here for now. If you have other sub-topics you’d like to discuss – comment!
-The GentleDoofus
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