What to Look for in a Wife

In the past two posts, I covered what marriage is, biblically speaking, and some of what it means to be ready for marriage. Now, what to look for in a wife.

Movies, books, and even friends tell us many different things about what to look for in a wife. Some people say to find someone who you have fun with. Others tell you to find that "spark" that will start a flame. The advice is varied, and, often as not, unhelpful.

What does Scripture have to say about the qualities of a wife? The default passage here is Proverbs 31; most of you have probably read or studied this passage before, and so I will summarize some of the qualities: Trustworthy (v. 11), Helpful (v. 12), Diligent (v. 13-15), Strong (v. 17-18), Compassionate (v. 20), Wise (v. 26), Kind (v. 26), Fears God (v. 30). This is a partial list; but finding a woman with even just these qualities may seem a tall order. I would encourage you in two ways. First, if you look, you'd be surprised at how many Godly young women like this there are. Second, many young women won't exemplify all these qualities perfectly before they are married. That is because, as we men are, they are affected by sin. Marriage is also a sanctifying process, that helps to grow these qualities.

Another thing to meditate on is Ephesians 5:22-33, the passage that relates the husband and wife to Christ and the Church. Many men focus on how to be more Christ-like, and that is all they get out of the passage. Although tremendously important, I would encourage you to also think about how the Church is supposed to act, and look for a wife with that in mind.

Also in that passage, Paul says that wives should submit to their husbands. That should not be interpreted by the current culture's definition of submission - that to submit means to acknowledge superiority. To submit means to respect and to allow the husband to take the lead. Men, hear me when I say this - don't expect your wife to do what you say because you say so. Expect your wife to submit to you because you submit to Christ, and follow Him. Look for a wife that wants to submit to Christ more than you.

Now, there are many general qualities and things we've covered so far. If we were to stop here, one might go away thinking that as long as the woman has these things, they should be pursued in marriage. Not so; there are other things to be covered.

Personality matters, too. Do you have the same sense of humor? Do you enjoy the same music, movies, and books? Do you share passions and interests? If marriage is a unifying relationship, than you ought to consider all the ways you will be unified in marriage. It doesn't just mean you'll be married while at church, or while you're with the in-laws; you're married (read "unified") all the time. You can't create boundaries in music, discussion topics, or any other arena that will divide you and your wife. So, when looking for a wife, look for a young woman who, after getting to know her better (we'll cover that in "the process"- next post) you both believe that you have a basis for unity. She doesn't have to be (and won't be) perfect, and you won't be either. The question remains, is there enough in common for unity? For more on this, read Chapter 11 of Gary Chapman's, "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition".

The one area you've probably already considered is whether or not you find her attractive, physically. Society uses many terms for this, the most common among young men being "Hot". Some Christians, however, feel that because the World wants it, they must reject it - completely. They disregard all physically attraction (or lack thereof), and focus on everything else. The fact of the matter is, in marriage, you are marrying the whole person - from emotions to personality, to their body. True, the Bible reminds us that beauty is fleeting, but it is nevertheless part of your wife. The whole book of Song of Solomon is a bridegroom telling his bride how beautiful she is. Physical attraction is important - not the most important, but you will be waking up to her face for the rest of your life; keep that in mind.

To sum up what to look for in a wife: Find a woman who fears God above all else, who you truly enjoy, who you find beautiful, and then seek God's will. If you're interested in such a woman, you might be ready for the next step.